Bad Decisions

Buy the ticket, take the ride

have you ever wanted to hide

The other day, I went surfing, which is a thing I do. This is almost certainly obvious to you. After all, I write a newsletter about surfing. It should not come as a surprise that I actually do it sometimes. But, stranger things have happened in this world, so I feel like it is good to be clear on this point. Surfing, I do it.

So, there I was sitting in a very classic California lineup situation. The weather was the kind of wondrous fake summer that arrives for a few weeks each January, and this time, has lingered much longer than it usually does.

It’s the kind of weather that sends everyone running from their houses to do something, anything outdoors. Often, that means everyone who has ever picked up a surfboard, even once, drives down to the beach in the hope of riding some waves. It is good to have hope.

Somewhere out to sea, a strong wind had spun up a chunky, disorganized swell a long way from where I was sitting. This meant that the waves, when they bothered to show up, were lovely to look at. It also meant that there were not all that many of them to ride at any one particular time.

With everyone running out of their houses with surfboards, you can see how this might be a problem.

Surfing an inconsistent swell with a large crowd mostly comes down to luck. Sure, skill can help. Sorta. But, mostly, you are pumping quarters into the slot machine and hoping that somehow, you eventually win. In fact, if you score a set wave in these conditions, consider buying a lottery ticket. If you score more than one, drive directly to Vegas and put it all on black.

Idly, I noticed a pile-up on the far side of the lineup. Three people wanted the same wave, which closed out in front of all of them. They should not go to Vegas or any other such place. Luck, they do not have it. Do not buy a lottery ticket, unlucky surfers. Do not put it all, or any of it for that matter, on black.

I did not think much of this incident, since it is a very normal thing in a crowded lineup for too many people to want the same wave at the same time. If you haven’t seen this exact thing happen not once, but many times, do you even surf? I think that you do not.

But it turned out that one of the surfers was very, very mad.

Now, I feel strongly that as surfers, we should know our capabilities. Is the ocean going to smash us into smithereens? We should have at least some idea of what to do about this possibility — or how to avoid it altogether.

Are we the kind of gals who can handle a crowded lineup without losing our minds? Great, let’s paddle out into the maelstrom and take our chances. If not, well, there’s always hiking — or any other of the numerous past times that do not involve the ocean, pointy sticks, and crowds all squished together into a very small space.

Lost in my own thoughts about the blue of the sky and the pelican that was sitting nearby and didn’t seem to give a shit about our problems, well, I didn’t immediately notice the fracas. It did not occur to me that someone could become extremely mad about a somewhat routine lineup thing.

Paddle out in a crowded lineup? You chose that, man. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Apparently, the angry surfer expected something quite different. Perhaps she imagined a blissful day of riding waves alone, or maybe with a few friends just like the surf magazines promised. The surf magazines have told us so many lies.

For this was a wildly delusional expectation for a Saturday in California, all the more so, when every forecaster on the internet had circled the day in red. Like hey, everyone! Go surfing on Saturday!

Just like that, her expectations met reality and it was not pretty. She harangued the hapless woman who burned her, who was in turn burned by some other guy. She yelled so loud!

And then, she tried to send the woman in, as though she were some sort of local heavy straight out of 1985. Like, girl, we don’t really do surfing that way now — at least not on a crowded Saturday, at a known spot in California. Long past the point when she should have subsided, she just kept yelling. It was very tiresome.

I began to wonder if I was going to have to intervene, since no one else seemed inclined to do so. I am not, on the whole, a fan of girl on girl violence in the lineup. Collectively, women have spent decades surfing surrounded with men. Along the way, we have put up with a lot of bullshit. It is my very firm belief that there is no need at all for us to perpetuate this sort of nonsense.

We can extend grace to one another, and acknowledge the imperfections that each of us bring to our beautiful, ridiculous dance. There is a vast yawning chasm between helping someone understand lineup etiquette — a thing we should not ignore — and screaming in her face. And, if you’re going to attempt to send someone in, you better have a damn good reason. Like, blood. You send them in when there’s blood.

At a certain point, we have to ask, what are we even doing?

Here we are, floating under a cloudless sky, riding waves that formed hundreds of miles out to sea. Here we are, sliding along over the surface of the ocean, the most magnificent thing any of us could ever imagine. Look out there and see the infinite layers of blue, and that perfect line on the horizon where sea and sky meet.

Watch the cormorants dive under the waves, looking for fish, and when they find one, watch as they swallow the whole thing, bulging down their narrow necks, all at once. How can we do anything but marvel at the wonders of it all?

And there you are, amidst all of this, yelling, because you didn’t get to ride the wave you wanted. Perhaps you imagine this makes you more respected. You are upholding very important rules! It does not. It makes you look both blind and ridiculous.

If there’s a lesson in all of this, my friends, it’s that you should never be the asshole. It’s a good rule that will save you much embarrassment and foolishness — the wrong kind of foolishness — in this life. Don’t be the surfer everyone remembers for all the wrong reasons.

There will always be other days, and there will always be more waves. A lot of surfing comes down to patience, and to occupying our minds during all the time in between waves. It is worth cultivating this ability, because I’m pretty sure there’s a good one coming to you, if you can but wait for it.

Don’t believe me? Well, there’s always hiking. ✨